Mixed Emotions
Sidney Singleton
Queens, New York - Accounting

When my roommate asked me, “Are you ok? Why are you crying?” I took her by surprise with my sudden release saying:

        I feel as though it was the best thing that ever happened to me, but at the same time the worst. I’ve found what could possibly be what I’ve been searching for, and in my pursuit I’m losing the one thing I hold dearest to my heart. Why are feelings so hard to understand? I feel confusion, love, excitement, ashamed, hurt and so much more all in one great ball of emotions; a ball that is beating my heart, leaving it wounded, knocking it out of my chest. I try to hold it together, but my attempts fail and the tears continue to fall. I try to hold them back, and smile for others, but they overpower my fight. I’ve found what could possibly make me complete, the love I’ve been in need of, the companionship I’ve yearned for. But in embracing my new found treasure I can’t hold on to my current bond. In the unofficial girlfriend’s handbook, rule number one states,” thou shall not date a friend’s ex”.
        I know the rules by heart, and have lived by them, taught them, and condemned any traitor who disobeyed them. But I find myself in a situation in which I have no control. My heart has taken over and is yelling too loudly for me to hear my brain trying to remind me of what is right. And as I deal with this frustration, the tears keep flowing, flowing, flowing. As I walk through the streets with blood- red eyes, there are a million things spinning around me, but it seems as though they’re all moving in slow motion and I’m alone with my thoughts and tears. But what good is crying? It doesn’t take away the pain, nor solve the problem. It doesn’t make me feel better. The more I think of how much I wish I’d never met him, the more I know that meeting him was the best thing that has happened to me, and the more the tears flow. Hot, salty tears that burn my eyes, dry out my cheeks, and make my heart sink deeper into the pit of my stomach.
        How can I be with him and at the same time hold on to my friend? Not just any friend, my closest friend. We’ve been through all four years of high school together. We’ve helped each other through all the heartbreaks from past boys, but how can she help me with him, if he was once hers. I feel as though she has turned her back on me and that hurts more than anything I’ve ever felt. It’s like losing half of oneself. And you ask yourself over and over, “Is it worth it?” Those are the four words which plague my thoughts.
        Constantly, I commune with myself and try to weigh both sides. Even while I’m reading in class, or laughing at a friend’s jokes, or carrying on a pleasant conversation, the tears still flow. They seem to flow on the inside. Then I need to be excused because I can no longer suppress them. Why me, why now, why, dear God, did you put me in this situation? I’m trusting in you and hoping you will show me the answer, because I cannot bear these mixed emotions much longer. The simple answer is to just forget him and preserve my friendship. The question is: “Will that make me happier?” Or will I feel as though I missed out on the best thing that could have happened to me. When I talk to him I feel as though our souls are connected. I look in his eyes and see straight to his soul. He makes me feel an inner peace that I could never explain. It’s like witnessing a sunrise from a mountain top, like holding your new baby for the first time, like hearing that person standing across from you say I do, like waking up and seeing a rainbow shining across your ceiling. It’s love. Am I willing to give it up, and live my life by the rules, in order to preserve my friendship. Or can I make her understand that I think I just found my soul mate in her ex-boyfriend. I still don’t have the answer and the tears are still flowing, but thanks for asking.